hers was a life beautiful.

It's been two years today since Ryan Alea was unfettered from her bonds of this earth, and it hasn't gotten any less surreal that she's really gone. Nor has this day hasn't gotten any easier to deal with.
Miss you, RAY.

a new month.

Another month of 2010 is behind us, and I'm beginning to wonder where time has got to go so quickly? There are reasons for me to want it to hurry itself up, and reasons for it to put on the brakes. This past week has been a bit bittersweet for me. Exciting news delivered, and a friend one year gone still deeply missed. Take the happy with the sad I suppose.
Firstly, yesterday was one year since Ryan Alea Young was taken from us in an early morning car crash near the coast of North Carolina. One year ago yesterday a friendship rekindling was quenched with the heavy blanket of death. I miss my friend dearly, and think of her often, and I cannot help wondering how much closer we'd be if she was still here. Yet though I've lost her, I've gained more friends in the grieving process. Her best friend Candace and I became closer through our mutual loss, as well as her strong-hearted father, Glenn. I appreciate what I've gained, but cannot help mourning for what we've lost. That being said, I think Ryan wouldn't want me to dwell on her absence in the wake of such great prospects being offered.
I found out unofficially then officially last week that I have been accepted into the University of Edinburgh Master's programme for Highland Studies. I've gotten in! I'm going to school in Edinburgh, Scotland! How exciting is that? I'm excited, yet anxious too--there's a lot to be done before I'm there and begun. Pray for things to fall into place, though there have already been kinks, and pray for patience and discernment through this process. Thanks to all who prayed for acceptance, but don't stop yet, we haven't heard about Jeremy yet, so keep 'em coming.

more or less change.

It's another Saturday, and we're already six days into February 2010. I seriously cannot believe how quickly time passes. Jeremy and I will have been married three years this year, and together for five. Cael just turned two, I'll be twenty-three and Jeremy twenty-nine. I'm graduated from college, for over a year now, and looking toward graduate school. It's been almost six years since I've been part of a swim team, and four since I've been in any sort of theatrical production. Things have changed, people are missed, people are gone, and more people have entered my life. Though much has changed, and it's odd to think about--thinking about the things that haven't changed can be eye-opening as well. I'm still a writer, and an artist. Though my mediums have shifted a bit, I haven't painted since 2006--though I do want that to change. Photography is still prevalent in my life. I knit, crochet, and sew now, things that I've always wanted to be good at. I still love reading, and getting lost in worlds and places in which I've never set foot. I love reading words, and thinking to myself, "I want to make readers feel this way about my characters, about my story one day." I still love God, love my husband, and love my dog. And I still love Ireland and all things Celtic--Scotland will be added to that list soon, Lord willing.
Jeremy and I have both submitted our applications to the University of Edinburgh, and now all we have to do it wait. Wait for God's will to be done. Waiting is harder than I anticipated. I think having control over a situation, like filling out an application, is easier than waiting for someone else to do their part before you can have an answer, like references or even the university itself. It's hard not to imagine us in Edinburgh later this year, whereas before I had a hard time actually imagining us there. That's encouraging, albeit frightening.
Chelsea's love, Andrew, is home for R&R from Afghanistan right now, and it is so absolutely wonderful to see them together again. That is another change. They are together, and reveling not only in their love for each other, but appreciating every touch and word they get to say to each other's faces, instead of on a page or screen. Appreciating the simple things experienced together.
The snow here has been almost unabated since it began. It's cold tendrils freezing everything in its path, making the everyday things like going to work treacherous. Yet, as the snow falls delicately to the ground, and the trees shimmer in their icy garb, I cannot help but simply appreciate its beauty. (It helps that I can stay home all day, not having to venture out.)
I'm still at Biltmore, though that could slightly change soon as well. Well, I'd still be at Biltmore, but I've applied for another position there. The Design Specialist position with the Biltmore Legacy would include hands-on creativity and design, incorporating Biltmore's history and family stories, as well as implementing advertising for the Biltmore For Your Home line. I'd be creating displays and talking with guests about the history of Biltmore, and other such fun stuff. Sounds right down my alley, huh? We'll see, I'll keep you posted.
So it seems that while change can be frightening and inconvenient at times, it is that change that we love to remember, and that change that shapes who we are. Change is inevitable and always imminent, just embrace it and remember from whence you've come.

One more thing. Just to remind you, in case you've forgotten-- I do, most unequivocally, still love hot tea.

Contemplatively,

Caitlin

twenty-two.

Ryan Alea Young would have turned twenty-two today. Happy birthday, Ryan. Thank you for reminding me to live like I could be gone tomorrow. Forget the petty things, love the people who matter to you and make sure they know it. Ryan, I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I admired you, and I'm sorry I didn't call more often, and most of all I'm sorry we didn't make more memories before you went. But I know that you know my regrets, and I know that you're looking down on me. You are a beautiful soul, and I know that even death cannot conquer a spirit as brilliant as yours.

english afternoon tea. [remembering]

Yesterday was a rough day for me. Yet again I had to drive two or so hours down to South Carolina to pick up Jeremy and bring him home, which I usually don't mind because, well, he's coming home, and the last couple weeks I've been able to drive down there during the day. I really don't like driving that much, but especially not at night, nor when it's raining. So when it's raining at night and I have to drive down there I am stressed the entire time.
Yesterday, I went down during the day but it was during that storm that blew through the area. The first part of the trip wasn't that treacherous, it was during a calm and slight sunny part of the storm. While I was driving I was eating apple slices and dipping them in peanut butter as a snack, which is my new favorite, but I couldn't help but pondering upon my stupidity at driving and eating a snack not so conducive to safe driving. I began to think about Ryan, my friend who was killed in a car accident about 40 days ago. I began thinking of her when it was sunny and calm, and I not being as careful as I should be driving--especially after someone close to me was taken that way. I couldn't keep my mind away from the fact that she had so much going for her when she died, and that I am so blessed to still be here--and here I am driving on a busy highway, going 70 miles per hour while precariously steering with my knee as I eat apple slices and lick peanut butter off my fingers. Idiotic? Yes. Thinking about what Ryan was taken from, and what I was risking, I broke down and cried for a good part of the drive. Then the rain and misty weather descended upon the highway again as I drove down the mountain into upstate South Carolina. The kind of weather Ryan had been driving in when she hydroplaned off that early morning road. Continuing to think about her, I hydroplaned myself in some still water on the road. I regained control of the car with no trouble, but that split second of locked tires, and the deep resonating noise that the act of hydroplaning resonates in your car, hit me hard again. I couldn't stop it, nor did I try very hard--but I began to cry again for the loss of my friend.
And as if I hadn't had enough reminder of everything that rainy afternoon, while I was driving through Traveler's Rest, SC, I passed a funeral procession. I felt my loss heavily yesterday, and that sensation comes and goes as I live from day to day. Ryan's was a kindred spirit, and I know I speak for everyone that knew her when I say, her loss is a wound not easily healed. But also, during this holiday that we are in the midst of, as we celebrate life and the gift Jesus Christ bought for us with His blood, I remember that she is free from these earthy bonds and is alive in a way that we here on earth cannot even imagine. I feel that at least during this time, I should celebrate the life that she did have and the part of it in which I was blessed to have.
We are blessed to have the time that we do here in this life, and that we owe to what Jesus accomplished in His death and resurrection. Remember why we celebrate this holiday, and believe that He is in control of our lives and at work within our hearts in all that happens to us, joy and sorrow.

I've added a new Song of the Week. I was listening to this song as I drove yesterday, and the lyrics reminded me of Ryan and the way I am feeling about all that has happened.


Caitlin

tealess. [another loss]

This has been a rough few weeks for me. Remembering the subject of my post last week, and now I just got a call from my mother telling me that I no longer have any grandparents left--my papaw passed away last night. Sad as I am for this loss, I know in his case that he was miserable in the nursing home he was in, and cursed his immobility. He longed to drive car again, something each of us take for granted everyday, he longed to check his birdhouses, and enjoy the spring as another blue jay would give him the honor of choosing the birdhouse he built, painted, and put up in his yard. Now he is able to do all that and more--he is in the presence of his Heavenly Father, and can walk with him through gilded streets of heaven without pain. Keep my family in your prayers, Papaw was a character, and will be sorely missed.
I wrote this poem in light of recent events.

Swearing Fealty

Winter begins to wane,
As spring waxes easily into my senses.
Daffodils raise sunny faces to the heavens,
The first to awake from wintry slumber.
Everything around me breathes life,
Yet everything in my head screams death.
A bright, young friend, but two weeks ago,
And last night, my only remaining grandfather.
Remaining no longer.
Death sits heavily in my mind,
I pray he doesn’t look in my direction too soon.
Life blooms in my mountain valley,
But death creates a valley of despair in my mind.
Battling for the fealty of my thoughts
I struggle to give both their due allegiance.
A man cannot serve two masters.
Weep for death, give joy for life,
And remember who it is that bestows both.

Caitlin B. Foreman

Lady Grey Black Tea. [Ryan Alea]

I'm drinking Lady Grey this morning, because I did not have Earl Grey, nor Green Ginger tea--the two teas that my friend Ryan told me were her favorites (much to the chagrin of her British boyfriend.) This post is dedicated to her, and as I sit here drinking my Lady Grey tea, and eating my oatmeal like every other morning--I still cannot believe she's gone. There was the brightest light in Ryan, and it touched every person she can into contact with. I knew she had impacted my life, and figured she had impacted others as well, but I did not know to what great extent she did so until she was taken from us, and all that were able congregated to bid her farewell. She touched so many people--even those who had just met her were there, already having been enraptured by her amiable spirit and unable to forget her.
Ryan and I were good friends when we were in high school, we were on the YSST swim team together in Hickory. We were friends from the very beginning--the first day I joined the team in my awkward fifteeth year, there she was, bouncing and dancing beside me in a joyful and rambunctious spirit that rarely ceased. For a whole summer during those years, we were inseparable, along with our friend Kelsey as well. We not only swam together, but also were life guards together at the same pool. She was the reason I came out of my shell as early as I did in high school--not to mention the reason I got into trouble so many times. She was michevious, but I loved her for it. When we went to college, she to UNCW and I to Montreat, we lost touch for a while. We still spoke to each other online now and then, or if I was down in Wilmington at the beach we would try to get together, but it wasn't like we were before. Over the couple years in college, we both grew up and matured, and we finally reconnected a few months ago when I found her blog, discovered her knack for writing, and we began a correspondance through our blogs, and on FB as well. I began to remember all that we had in common, and how similar we were in humour and interests. We planned to get together soon, perhaps in the summer after she graduated, to properly catch up with each other, and also to have our significant others meet. We both thought that our boys would really enjoy each others' company--one being a soccer player with knee problems, and the other being a rugby player with knee problems.
Then last Saturday morning, all of our plans were halted when she hydroplaned in the dark morning rain, and left this world forever. I didn't find out until that evening, I had been at work all day and couldn't answer my phone. My friend, Kelsey, was the one who called me and broke the news to me. I made her say Ryan's whole name before I could accept what my mind already confirmed to be true. I sobbed for the first fifteen minutes, then went between emotionless shock and broken down weeping for the rest of the evening, and into Sunday as well.
Jeremy and I drove down to Shallotte, on the Carolina coast, on Monday to attend her viewing that night, and her funeral service the following morning. It was an open-casket viewing. I've never done something so hard in my life. I stood in front of her, just staring, waiting for the horrible dream to end and her to just wake up. She did not wake up, and it was not a dream. It was horrible reality. Ryan Alea Young was gone, and way too soon for anyone's comfort. I cannot understand how anyone who knew Ryan can believe that death is all there is. Ryan's was such a colorfully vibrant and brilliant spirit that something so simple as death could never quench it. She remains, though bodily gone, she remains--and that's why even though I stood not two feet from her body, looking at her lifeless face, I cannot think of her as gone, cannot make my mind and my heart accept her departure.
Though I do mourn the loss of memories not-yet-made, I do know that Ryan would not have it that way. She wouldn't want people crying over her, but remembering and taking joy in the memories that were made with her. It is our own loss; we, a little less full than before, regret her absence. But she, she now flies unfettered by these earthly bonds, and is in the presence of her Savior. I miss her terribly, but will try not to take any moment for granted, and live my life to the fullest, as she did. Take a page from Ryan's book: Life is like a wave, you can't change the way it breaks--just the way you ride it.
If you're interested in reading her blog, it is in my They Write Too section on the bottom right of my page. Hers is Life's Too Beautiful For a Single Sentence.

Missing a friend,

Caitlin

vanilla black tea.

Yesterday was a pretty long day. I was on my feet, serving appetizers, serving wine, then clearing dishes, among other catering duties most of the day. It was for a fortieth wedding anniversary party, and it was a pretty sweet event. The house where the party was held was off of Elk Mountain Scenic Highway, which connects to the Parkway--it winds, twists, and turns up and around a mountain for about fifteen minutes before the intended destination. The way up was a bit precarious, because I was ill familiar with the road and its sudden veerings left and right. But after the party, around 10 o'clock in the evening, the brisk mountain air lured my windows down, my moon roof back, and my senses unwound as the road unwound itself down the mountain. I listened to some of my favorite bands, breathed deep, and enjoyed the crisp autumn zephyrs as they danced wildly with my dark tresses and gently kissed my eyelashes. It was one of the most pleasant drives I have had in quite some time.

Today in church, I was informed that a girl at my school's father died suddenly last night of a heart attack. He was in his mid-fifties and it was completely unexpected. My heart goes out to her and her family, I can't even imagine losing my father--just the idea makes my chest tighten and my eyes threaten to unleash a deluge of tears. It makes me miss my father, as well as my mother, tremendously. They live in Germany, and I see them very little except for Skype phone calls very once in a while. It makes me appreciate having such great parents, and continuing to love and grow in my relationship with them. Since I've gotten married our dynamic has changed to more of a friendship which is really wonderful. So Dad and Mom, I love you very much, and miss you more than you know. Thanks for being so amazing, and I look forward to when I am next able to see your smiling faces, and throw myself into your loving embraces. Can't wait till December.

Still sipping,

Caitlin