Thursday, January 30, 2014

being still.

There have been many things that have forced stillness, or in some cases idleness, upon me in the past. But nothing quite like a sleeping baby can thrust me into a time of being still. I mean that physically as well as mentally. I've been meaning to write again in the space for a few days, but not until now - in the midst of needing to prepare for this evening, make dinner for a husband been away for three days, and wash the long-neglected pans in the sink - does the weight of her sleeping body on me keep me where I am. She is tired and needs this rest, but she also sleeps deepest and best when sleeping on my chest, or on me in some way. I suppose my warmth and my pulse against her little form is a comfort to her, and so I stay. Stay here in the sweet moment, regardless of the things I need to do, and just let her sleep. I will cherish the times I chose to sit in stillness with her, rather than bustle off to the things I think are important at the time. The dirty pans have waited days anyway, what's a little more time? Time to watch my little angel sleep again, to memorize the rounds of her little cheeks and her tousled nearly-there hair - all the things that will change so quickly as she grows into the woman God created her to be. It's worth being still for her, and I'm never idle as long as I'm memorizing her.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

one-handed talents and time shifting.

It's amazing the things I've learned to do one-handed since becoming a mom. The cup of coffee sitting beside me was fully made one-handed - from cleaning the pot and grinding the beans, to grabbing the mug, pouring the coffee and doctoring it just right with creamer. Learning the counter-balance of baby-on-hip as you move through doorways or down halls was another learning curve - it only took one time of slamming my arm and Josie's poor little head knocking against the door jamb to teach me that lesson. As I sit here, the sweet weight of a sleeping little girl on my chest, and think of all the ways she has changed me in the last nine months I am overcome with emotion for this little being that I helped make. I never knew being a mom would suit me so well, I never knew that the little noises she makes with her mouth while she sleeps would sing sweetly in my ears, rather than disgust me as it does when adults make similar noises. Even her most give-me-attention cries don't grate in my ears (yet).
She has wrought great change in me. She has made me patient. She has made me giving. She has softened the hardest parts of me. She has given me motivation to reach for my dreams and make changes I never thought possible. She has given me perspective. And she has given me cause for lots of introspection.

One of the things I've been pondering upon lately is how time changes as our lives change. I was chatting with a girl in her freshman year in college and asking her how her Christmas was. She nodded, telling me it was good then stopped and said, "It went by really quickly though! Quicker than usual!" I just looked at her and said, "It'll never slow back down now, it'll just get quicker and quicker." How true is that though? I remember as a kid, and even as a teenager too, thinking that time went by so slowly! Once Christmas break arrived, I'd take naps every afternoon to try to make Christmas come quicker, and it still felt like it dragged on getting here. Now I find myself staying up later just watching Josie sleep; I don't want to miss anything! The days are flying by and she's growing so fast that I'll do anything to try to slow things down. It's funny how our perspective shifts like that, isn't it? You go from being a child to having a child, and time goes from standing still to days running together in a blur they're passing by so quickly - I can hardly keep track with what day it is.

I guess all of this is to say that Josie is teaching me how to live in the moment and enjoy the now for the beauty each second brings - not yearning for something in the future or even living in the past, pining for what was. This moment is precious. Her little mouth partially open as she sleeps, the smell of her sweet baby breath as she dreams and breathes, the contrast of her long, black eyelashes against her creamy skin and how they're so long they curl a little at the ends, the lines left on her face from my shirt as she shifts in her sleep to her other side, her little fingers and hands twitching as she slumbers, and that smile that fleetingly graces her sleeping face every once in a while. I could go on and on - this moment is beautiful and I am thankful for it even as I look forward to more and remember ones past. My daughter grows and I'll just grow with her, as mommas do, always in awe at the beautiful life with which I have been entrusted.

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

let the songs begin again.

It is the first day of a brand new year, and I can hardly believe that it is 2014. Not only that, but I have been married for six and a half years now, and I have an eight and a half month old daughter. When did I become such a grown up? I feel like it was just the other day that I pulled up onto the campus of Montreat College, full of excitement and anticipation of being in college and away from home. Fast forward nearly ten years (what?!) and a lot has changed, but I'm feeling a similar excitement and anticipation roiling again in the pit of my stomach for what this year will bring, and I feel a grin spread across my face at the knowledge that it will be very good, indeed.

Some of you may know that I began a venture this past year with my sister-in-law, Christal, called Arbonne. I was the biggest skeptic at the beginning, having already tried and hated network marketing, but there was something different about this company and Christal convinced me to just see if it might be a fit for me. With the encouragement of her, and my other upline friends, I jumped in with both feet and have been sometimes stumbling, sometimes sprinting, and sometimes crawling toward my dreams these past seven or eight months. Today, my dreams have become that much more attainable and some have already been realized. Today, I am officially an Area Manager with Arbonne and I only have two weeks left of my regular full-time job [and Christal is a Regional Vice President now!] This means a number of things for me: the most important of which is that I am officially a stay-at-home mom for my beautiful daughter, Josie - this alone is cause for the utmost rejoicing and tears of joy; the second thing that this means though, is that writing will now be pushed back up to the forefront of my daily tasks alongside mothering the most adorable and happy-go-lucky eight-month-old. While cleaning up my office/library/craft room today I found my original action plan from my first month in Arbonne and I got to reread the WHYs that I put to paper when first embarking on this journey. Intermingled with the staying at home wishes and financially free plans I found this: "I want to write. Hands down, I know that's what I was created to do." And that's what I plan on doing. I plan to write something every single day, whether it's here in this space, in my personal pen and ink journal, or on my novel that has been ever gnawing on my mind these past months; I will write. And this makes me so incredibly happy. God is so good, and He truly provides the desires of our hearts. I am in awe at his grace and mercies every day and to Him I give all the glory and credit for my current dreams-coming-true state.

Let there be songs on this mountain once again!