joy in uncertainty.

Some things are hard to put into words, even for one that feels like she always has something to say--which, honestly, may or may not be me on any given day. But this, this is something that I have prayed for and wanted for a long time, and now, now that it has really happened--I feel utterly unprepared and unready. Yet, at the same time I feel elated in a way that I have never experienced, I am excited about what the future brings. But every bit of excitement and anticipation I feel is tinged with fear and uncertainty. I do hope that fear abates, and my uncertainties are calmed for I dearly want to be fully and exceptionally joyful about being pregnant. Dont get me wrong--I feel joy, and I am so happy that we have this blessing in our lives. But I am admittedly freaking out a little bit. I hear that's normal though.

Now that I've gotten that bit out of the way, pregnancy really hasn't treated me that badly so far. That's not to say it has been easy, but I've heard horror stories of women who were on their backs sick as a dog for the whole of the nine months, unable to have any kind of normalcy for the entire pregnancy. I realize normalcy might be a relative term when it comes to pregnancy. I've felt nauseous and unsettled for weeks, but I haven't thrown up--though sometimes I'd wished I just would. Sometimes I felt like it was worse not having full-blown morning sickness, because I still felt awful and drained, but it didn't immobilize me so much that I couldn't go into work or do what needed to be done. I just felt like curling up into a ball under my desk most days. Of course, due to my feeling sickly and my constant unsettled stomach I haven't been able to run--at all. 

Now that the nausea is abating and I'm starting to get my energy back I'm hoping to continue my running--albeit probably not as enthusiastically as I was before I found out I was pregnant. The reality of being with child has not fully settled on my psyche, and I think that may be the biggest reason I've haven't been able to wrap my mind around the idea without fears and anxiety. It became more real after I heard the heartbeat for the first time, and even more so when I saw the little huckleberry dancing around on the ultrasound screen, but without the aid of nifty electronics to help me see and hear my babe, it just doesn't feel real during the day to day. I know it will be real soon enough though, and now that I'm feeling a bit better I'm more content to wait and enjoy the time I have to prepare my mind, my heart, and my home for April 8th--when our lives will become infinitely different and infinitely blessed.